Neither with you nor without you
Good evening! It’s been a while since I last published something on here. I’ve been busy with family, friends and a lot of work at my new workplace, Turning Torso – Sky High Meetings, where I host conferences. I love it. I get to meet the most interesting people and the venue is incredible. I operate on the top floors in the highest skyscraper of the Nordic region. Yes, it’s as cool as it sounds, actually. I am very glad and grateful.
Besides from being happy, and probably happier than ever – I still get anxious. I feel like my worth is dependant on performance. Unfortunately, that’s the way I was raised – solely praised for achievements. Even though I know that I am a good person and should be valued for who I am, I find it hard to give myself a break. At the end of the day, most of what I do is a subconscious attempt to impress in order to feel worthy of attention. It’s so bad. The real struggle truly lies within myself nowadays. I obviously didn’t get a full life toolbox out of my childhood but I’m an adult now, it’s no one’s job but my own to take care of me – and I want to do that. I will have to find the missing tools on my own before I can start using them – in order to heal my ambivalent soul.
All of this makes perfect sense to me, yet it hurts pretty bad at times. I’ve got so much love to give. Why is it so hard to give some to myself? I know I deserve it, I just don’t have that sense of being loveable, supposedly because I never really felt that warm unconditional love towards me before. It’s a constant fight between what I know and what I think. I have some serious sorting to do…
I get misunderstood a lot. I don’t blame anyone, sometimes I don’t even understand myself. However, I want you to know this: when sharing these personal stories, it is not because I want you to take on responsibility for my well-being. I merely share out of sincerity to give you a fair chance of understanding where I come from. I often get the feeling that people believe it’s their job to fix me and so they shy away because that’s just too much. It is too much, and I don’t expect that from anyone but myself, OK? As far as I know, friendship is about being supportive to the extent of personal ability. I know my friends care regardlessly, they don’t have to move mountains for me. You amount to more than effort. As do I.